


(blue) eyes

by Anonymous



Series: philinda AUs <3 [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, Vagueness, Writing Exercise, philindaaa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: [FORBIDDEN LOVE AU]Melinda's never seen such bright blue eyes in all her years in the psychiatric ward- Dr. Phil Coulson scares the shadows away, and Melinda loves Him for it.(From the perspective of a... not very lucid Melinda. This is a writing experiment, I'd love it if you could read!!!)
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: philinda AUs <3 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859632
Comments: 15
Kudos: 34
Collections: AOS AU August 2020, Anonymous





	(blue) eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nazezdha321](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nazezdha321/gifts).



> every trigger warning ever please heed (except for rape/non con there's none of that)
> 
> I'm... sorry?
> 
> (thanks to Sancturia for the beta!! <3)

“Good morning, Melinda.”

Every day, he came in. 

“How are you?”

Every day, he was polite.

“That’s good. What are you planning on doing today?”

And every day, he left.

“Good bye, Melinda. See you tomorrow.”

And every day, Melinda imagined.

Alone. She was alone in her room with the white walls and the white floors and the white sheets and the white bed and the white bottles and the white pills again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and-

“Good morning, Melinda.”

He was beautiful.

Bright blue eyes like she’d never seen that could see straight through her lies of ‘oh, I’m fine’ and ‘no worries here.’ The bright blue eyes that pleaded with her to calm down when she- she just _couldn’t_. 

“How are you?”

The same eyes that crinkled around the edges, accompanying the smile that was prompted by her good days.

“That’s great. What are you planning to do today?”

Some days she couldn’t remember His name.

But that was okay, because He’d introduce himself and Melinda would fall in love all over again.

“Good bye, Melinda. See you tomorrow.”

Sometimes she entertained herself by seeing what clothes he was wearing under his white lab coat. Sometimes a blue sweater, sometimes a maroon t-shirt. She wanted to show off her own clothes too, but they were all white.

(Melinda really really _really_ really hated the color white.)

“Good morning, Melinda.”

One time she could see red, white, and blue peeking out from under His (white) lab coat. 

America.

(She was in America. Couldn’t forget.)

“How are you?”

She stared at the ceiling during Group Time, content to imagine Him and… America. Saving people, because that’s what He would do. She could tell, from His (blue) eyes. 

Captain America. That had a nice ring to it. Captain America and… (his name must’ve slipped her mind again, godDAMMITDAMMIT _DA MMI TDA MMIT)_

“ _MELINDA_!”

  
  
  
  
  


“Hello, Melinda.”

Maybe He was a spy. A superspy, with Melinda, and they could go save the planet together. Shield the planet.

“How are you today?”

That would be fun.

“Awesome. Any plans for today?”

WhitwhitewhitewhitewhitewhitewhitePhilhisnamewasPhil

“Good bye, Melinda. See you soon.”

Phil. His nametag said Phil Coulson. Though it was hard to read because it was upside down and she was… not. Or maybe it was the other way around.

“Good morning, Melinda.”

One time she heard somebody say the word _Bahrain_ -

Then she didn’t hear 

anything 

at all.

“How are you today?”

It hurt, it really did; seeing Him leave. She wanted to hold him close, shield him from the horrors of the world that she knew all too well. (What horrors?)

_Bahrain._

What was Bahrain?

“That’s good. What’s the schedule today?”

He needed to be safe.

She wasn’t sure what safe meant, but Philson Coul needed- Phil Coul- Phil-

“Goodbye, Melinda.”

When he was gone, the shadows came back. She could see them crowding at the edges of her mind, screaming to be heard, and yet all she could pick up was gibberish and _Phil_.

If she mentioned them to Him, though, then she wouldn’t see anything at all.

“Hello, Melinda.”

He was hurting her.

Why was he hurting her?

Liquids in syringes, powder on her tongue.

Why was he hurting her?

“How are you today?”

The shadows were back.

They were back, and pushing, and pulling, and she needed them OUT so she was PULLIng and they HURT and she was

  
  
  
  


“Good morning, Melinda.”

Fuzzy.

Most days were fuzzyfuzzyfuzzy 

fuzzy

“How’s life? What’s going on for you today?”

Rocking back and forth made _it_ go away. 

Wait no it didn’t.

They were still there, just… hiding from her.

She rocked back and forth anyway

“That’s good.”

But she couldn’t mention them so she was CLAWING

And SCREAMing

_hands?_

He was touching her; his _hands_ on her wrists. _Anchors_. His bright (blue) eyes were right in front of hers. She could smell the mint on his tongue.

Wet. Her cheeks were wet. Why were they wet?

The shadows knew why.

“Goodbye, Melinda.”

The ceiling was white. She never noticed that before.

“Good morning!”

The shadows were stronger now, but not strong enough to take her completely

Phil; they were scared of Phil.

But they still threatened to open a curtain to the pits of her mind; things she’d rather not remember

They wanted her to _remember_

So she told Phil.

  
  
  


Fuzzyfuzzyfuzzy

  
  
  


Bahrain?

Bahrain.

  
  
  
  


Her ceiling was white-

huh.

  
  
  
  


The shadows were gone.

She’d never felt more 

alone

  
  


“Hello, Melinda.”

_Who was Melinda?_

She asked who she was, and He looked at her with those (blue) eyes.

That was the only thing she could see anymore.

“How are you today? Better, I hope?”

The shadows came back

But so did Phil.

“That’s good. What are you doing today?”

Now the shadows spread

Under her skin, her eyes-

Onto Phil

“Good bye.”

She had to save him

Shield him from the world

Save him

Keep him safe

Captain America couldn’t do it so she had to

save him

ouch

  
  
  
  
  


Brown eyes. 

That’s all she saw.

No more bright (blue) eyes for her, they said.

No more Phil.

No more hero to scare away the shadows

So the shadows opened the curtains to Bahrain

And she

screamed

  
  
  


“How are you today?”

Maybe she could hunt the shadows; hunt Bahrain

Protect herself

Since Phil was gone (Maybe the shadows got him too)

So she needed to hurt the shadows. Hunt them down and Kill them

Like Captain America

  
  
  


Ouch

Hurting the shadows hurt her too

  
  


Hands on her

Heavy, pullingpushingpullingpushing hands

But not Phil’s hands

Where was Phil? He could protect her.

shock

shock

The shock made the shadows go away

_More_

shock

  
  


Hurting the shadows hurt her too 

But not _enough_

  
  


her ceiling was… _red?_

She’d never noticed.

_Phil. His name was Phil._

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in thirty min and i 
> 
> need sleep


End file.
